swine flu prevention tips from cosmo

I love the last one in particular. I’m going to be exclusively bumping fists at all the job interviews and business meetings I go to from now on.

in other news: Star Wars status updates!  (thanks Felix)

Anathem!

finally got me copy of the new Neal Stephenson book, and it is as awesome as you might expect. 

meanwhile, here’s a crazy story about going on the lam in the USA, with the whole of the internets chasing you.

Here is the latest episode of “…in Japan”, I think I’ll let the URL speak for itself: http://pinktentacle.com/2009/11/bra-doubles-as-golf-putting-mat/

and finally, a quick plug for three web-based businesses run by people I know. it probably breaks the unspoken terms of service of this site to post them, but its Christmas, could come in useful:

• Cider Online – Broome Farm cider
• Grannies, Inc – custom beanies knitted by grannies
• Watch Me Go – nice affordable watches, including sweet-ass retro casio digital ones. 12% off if you use the code FRIENDSOFWMG at checkout.

[update]  and finally, here’s a DJ Cripple old school playlist:

WEEEEEE

turn of all the lights, turn up the music, and watch this.  we’ll soon find out if you have epilepsy…

Kings of Power 4 Billion % from Zarradeth on Vimeo.

awesome.  40 million points. Thanks George. Also:

Alternate-Universe Sci-Fi Channel Show Asks What Would Happen If Germany Lost War

Procrastinators unite!

in japan:

in france:

in california, around the time of our [first] conflict with saddam and the i-raqis:

one million points to this website: Halt! Suppenzeit. bewarned, big timewaster:  (fundamentally, this guy is just much better than i am at posting stuff at the web. thank goodness ben brings up our average)

and finally, some links with absolutely universal appeal: programmer jokes!

http://limerickdb.com/?top150

http://stackoverflow.com/questions/234075?sort=votes&page=1#sort-top

Paul-itis nut allergy disease

Does anyone else suffer from the following problem: whenever any mention is made of nut allergies in normal conversation, a grin appears on your face as you are totally unable to suppress a memory of the following Paul-spawned meme from france ‘99

“because our food is prepared in the same kitchen as our crack production, we must warn our customers that all our food may contain traces of crack”

with an overwhelming urge to just start reeling off the above quote, no matter how inappropriate to the context? perhaps it’s just me. meantime:

• crazy text input software for users with no fingers: http://www.inference.phy.cam.ac.uk/dasher/ (David MacKay rocks)
• more wacky politicians
• you set us up!

another post from the ranting raver

off-topic for the blog really, but here’s something chuck had to say of late which i thought may as well be on the intertubes.

“MISTABISHI IS A FRAUD”

In case you haven't heard...
http://forum.breakbeat.co.uk/tm.aspx?m=1971700605
http://dnbforum.com/showthread.php?s=4986c6c83ca5d906abc33ebbde7de351&t=87316
Perhaps you find this amusing.  That wasn't my reaction :-(  I thought, it's not fucking Mistabishi who is the demon.  This shit happens when the scene encourages it.  It makes me want to scream:
I FUCKING HATE ALL THE MOTHERFUCKERS WHO HAVE SYSTEMATICALLY KILLED THE UK DANCE MUSIC WHICH IS PART OF MY HERITAGE AS A BRIT AND SOMETHING WHICH I CAN'T STOP LOVING.
THE YOUTH IS FUCKING ARROGANT FUCKING DICKHEADS WITH THEIR BULLSHIT CANT MIX WONT MIX PHILOSOPHY, ACQUIRING RUBBISH EASY COME EASY GO FANS AT THE COST TO THE TRUE HEADZ, THE REAL SHIT.  I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT SOME DEVISIVELY WEIRD SHIT, JUST UNITY THROUGH DIVERSITY.  STOP BICKERING ABOUT HOW ORIGINAL YOUR NON-ORIGINAL NON-DIVERSE SHIT IS AND LEARN TO MIX SO THAT THE MUSIC DOESN'T CONTINUE TO DESCEND INTO SELFISH MINDED NONSENSE WITH NO RELATION TO THE REAL TOGETHERNESS MUSIC WHICH IS 'ARDCORE AND ITS OFFSPRING -- DRUM N BASS AND OTHER HARDCORE BREAKBEAT SCIENCE FROM UK GARAGE TO DUBSTEP TO BREAKCORE.  EXPERIENCE THE JOY OF SHARING THE VIBE ON A DANCEFLOOR WHICH IS FULLY CONTROLLED BY THE DJ and MC.  THEN PUT IT INTO PRACTICE BEFORE THE ARTFORM IS DEAD.
I'm sick and tired of how modern producers who can't mix are making tunes for people who can't mix which forces the real DJs into the corner when they're trying to construct a set, because no one understands shit about the subtleties of the mix any more.  Listen to old tapes by the originators of this sound -- grooverider, ratty, randall, ltj bukem, top buzz, ray keith, dj zinc, kemistry and storm, doc scott, brockie, frank de wulf if you like techno, frankie bones if you like house, i dunno about all the scenes but i know they used to know how to mix across the board, across different bpms.  Listen to how the old masters and mistresses used to construct sets, move sideways in the mix as well as up and down.  Listen to how the beat flips, changing the emphasis, how you can use this to change people's groove, change people's minds.  Listen to the no-compromise people of the modern scene, loxy being a prime example of someone who sticks to his guns.    Listen to James Brown for gods sake.  Listen to King Tubby.
Basically, what i'm saying is... if you want to mix, then you must learn to mix.  If you produce, then take this home go think it through, then go and write proper intros for a change, something inventive, something challenging to yourself and others.  And if you really think, "i can beatmatch my CDJs, i know what i'm doing", then you should try some shit that they don't know yet, expand your techniques, learn how to do harsh cuts and slow blends.  Learn how to perform the way you want to, but start with a wide palette of colours so that you can select exactly the ones you want, so that you're not pushed about by your limited technique.  Learn how to drop a tune from the second breakdown and have it mixing out before the record runs out.  Then go and write your outros better.  Listen to Foul Play and old Moving Shadow records.  Reinforced and Metalheadz, Certificate 18, Philly Blunt, Dread recordings and old V stuff too.  And stop fucking double dropping shit 'like Andy C', you wouldn't know the skill of the man in any case, if you need to know, go look at the first five years of his productions and listen keenly... start with "Cool Down" and "Sound Control".  Learn to mix that shit, if you can, if you dare.  It doesn't mix like do wop be bop shoo be doo bullshit, it requires some skill, but you get amazing combinations of sound if you can handle it, astonishing diversity, and the creative freedom to express something truly personal.  That's worth fighting for.
And if you think that i'm just talking about mainstream shit, nah nah nah, all the fucking breakcore artists need to fucking learn their shit too, all the wonk weird dubstep headz, all the fidget house crack business (i don't give a fuck what you call it, it's just some fucking breakbeat house at the end of the day), all the producers of vinyl and DJ recordings need to look at themselves and ask themselves honestly if they actually know shit about mixing, take some responsibility for making the scene better, compose tunes which develop, articulate structure as well as style.  Yes, even the underground genres.  Even the ones who are better than the shit that dominates, they shouldn't rest on their laurels, but try and raise their game back to the levels which we were used to in the mid 90s.  Please.  It's not enough to be better than the next man when he just chucked a mix cd on in the club.  Don't compare, just raise your game.
Then, if all the fucking youth concentrated for a minute on writing tunes which mixed properly, trend surfers such as Ram Records would step up their production game, tutor their up-coming artists with more integrity, and the whole scene(s) would benefit (i'm including the dubstep scene here, whose shit intros are even shitter than the modern DnB tunes), just like when Ganja Kru pulled up their socks and dragged themselves back from the black hole of pop absurdity in the late 90s with a series of killer releases for the DJ.  I admit it was somewhat easier, because at the time, True Playaz weren't carrying any 'apprentices', it was a tight crew.  But before then, way back, Zinc was apprentice to Hype, and he wasn't allowed to put out any tunes until his basslines were of the requisite standard;  this discipline resulted in Zinc's first release on True Playaz, a moderately successful effort called 'Super Sharp Shooter'.  Good shit comes to those that learn their shit and apply their skills correctly.  If Ram, Hospital etc want to play the game properly, they should be teaching their youth good habits, not picking up their bad ones, act responsibly.  I look forward to decent releases from the likes of Subfocus and other wasted talent.  Plus if someone actually supports the development of an artist like Breakage, imagine how good he could be!  Not to mention a million fringe producers who idolise Amon Tobin, Squarepusher and their ilk, remember to find a method in your composition of constructing sets, not just a concert of tunes, or we'll be going back to the dark days before James Brown playing for 3 or 4 hours changed the way we dance to music forever, when concerts were dull and intermissions were common, when no one gave a flying fuck about how tunes went from one into the next.  I want a better future than that.
THE NEW WAVE OF PRODUCERS, "DJs", and PROMOTERS OF THE 2000s AND BEYOND NEED TO LEARN SOME FUCKING HUMILITY.  PLAY YOUR OWN TUNES IN YOUR SET, OF COURSE, BUT MAKE IT A GOOD SET...  UNDERSTAND THAT MOST OF THINGS THEY'RE GOING TO TRY HAVE ALREADY BEEN TRIED BEFORE.  INVESTIGATE NEW AVENUES OF CREATIVITY WHILST RESPECTING THE CULTURE, THIS SHIT GOES BACK TO METALHEADZ, AWOL, SPEED AND... RAGE... AND THE ILLEGALS OF COURSE... BACK TO PARADISE GARAGE, THE WAREHOUSE OF CHICAGO, THE DAYS OF SOUND SYSTEM IN THE STREET IN KINGSTON, JAMAICA.  NOW IS THE TIME TO TAKE IT FWD TO SOMETHING NEW, BUT YOU CAN ONLY DO SOMETHING NEW IF YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AT THE START, RIGHT!

expect normal service of inane links to resume shortly.  :)

wine, politics, hacking and a long overdue consumer innovation.

what more could you want?

• political party of the week
• van eck phreak mp3s to your radio
• handerpants!  (thanks Francis)
• and…

vive la france!  vive les bretons!

the important think is – make a plan

http://www.astro.ufl.edu/~jybarra/zombieplan.pdf

choice excerpts:

“ZBSD: This term is coined in the context of this exercise as a descriptive term for a variety of similar situations,
the causes and taxonomical delineations of which have yet to be determined by the scientific community.
Hence, the phrase zombie behavior spectrum disorder or ZBSD must not be understood as a scientific or
medical diagnosis; but merely as a descriptive term covering a wide variety of behaviors having
somewhat similar public “event profiles” and public impacts. Note further that as the science of these
events evolves, further disaster planning exercises may be necessary to incorporate specific dynamics of
divergent outbreak etiology and behavior patterns.”

“Part 2 of the exercise will be a discussion of how the overall impact of a zombie outbreak will affect use of
and support for the course management system and will address such issues as: […]

• d. The spread of ZBSD to institutional administration may complicate policy making;
• e. Conversely, the spread of ZBSD to institutional administration may simplify and streamline policy
  making resulting in dramatic improvements in administrative responsiveness and service delivery;”

even footnotes!

“8 Lawrence, F. (2007). I Am Legend. In this documentary study of a ZBSD outbreak in New York City and
surrounding areas, Lawrence asserts that the zombies were effectively deterred by garlic. However, it can
be argued that the infected analyzed in Lawrence’s study were not, in fact, zombies at all due to their
conscious hunting behavior, inability to come out during the day, and volitional, fluid movement. Hence,
Lawrence may not be portraying ZBSD at all but part of what may be considered zombie behavior
spectrum disorder; in which some infected not at the “true zombie” part of the spectrum (cf. Schlozman,
op cit. fn 4) may in fact be deterred by the smell or presence of garlic. Once again, however, it is not the
purpose of this disaster preparedness exercise to enter into this scholarly discussion.”

etc etc etc.  outstanding stuff

thanks Dave!

for my subscription to Viz!

hooray!  copyright Viz n that. get your own subscription or summink.

meanwhile, uptown:

• I find your lack of pigs disturbing
• there’s a story behind this
• fitness tip

Did I mention

that my intertubes have been cut off? It's not easy, you know.

Which means I'll just fall back on posting links to Dresden codak:cave man sci-fi! Me go too far!

I cannot think of a subtle way to make a masturbation joke about this guy. (video!)

I have no way of watching the Klingons do Eminem at work, so I need someone else to look and tell me just how execrably bad it is.

(sidenote; if you ever get curious about what the the kids are being told that the kids are listening to...)

Back to work!

this week’s unmissable news:

 

• teenage mutant ninja… poodle?  (thanks dave). 

i don't know what's more impressive. the poodle or the lady behind it and her shirt.  more “extreme poodle grooming” (yes, there’s a name for it)

• in japan?  no, in california.  very, very NSFW

 

• do you believe in evil?

skip to 4:16. identified thanks to http://thedansemacabre9.blogspot.com/2007/07/1.html.  here’s a link to the orbital gig recordings, in case you’ve missed them…

http://www.mediafire.com/file/zykzxiy22ol/London240909 part 1.mp3

http://www.mediafire.com/file/mwyyl3y34mh/London240909 part 2.mp3

 

• SCIENCE! why the mona lisa’s smile is weird.

 

• recent religious news

 

• and, finally, the solution to the stupidity of youtube comments: FeynTube (thanks George)

 

have a good week!

no people!

this is from josh & jo’s blog about their recent crazy mission to vietnam on a train.  while they were in china they spotted this street sign which shows you some of the rules which you must obey:

here are some of the ones that struck me (in excel cell notation)

• C1 – no wheelchairs? – a bit harsh, surely
• C2 – no waving axes around - fair enough.
• A3 – no skiing.  ok.
• C3 – no throwing up. or, possibly, no spotting anything on the floor
• D3 – no jumping through the air doing the splits in a Jean-Claude Van Damme stylee
• A4 – no being a witch
• B4 – no standing under your own raincloud
• D4 – no 19th century safari hats
• D5 – no people.

J & J are back safely, i believe.

In other news….

• ozzie woman denies amorous attentions caused ute crash
• william hodgson is funny
• al jazeera implements ‘light segments’
• estate agents neglect to mention power plant.

hooray for ben’s return!

here is my effort, paltry in comparison:

• carl sagan ‘n bass 
• insanely impressive singaporean automatic picture generator (thx George)
• FHM vs Salvia Divinorum
• continuous orgasms – not as fun as it sounds

happy weekend!

Where was I?

Ah yes, Talking pianos. Clever.

And if you don't have enough SQL in your database, I'm sure corporate finance can fix that.

This is not satire.

heroic little boy…

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/little_boy_heroically_shoots

some stuff people i know have posted on facebook:

for mike: http://www.cesmes.fi/pallo.swf

this is sort of like looba-looba-yey, but worse: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/video/video.php?v=1047514223313

(and an attempt to imitate it gone wrong, in many ways: http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=120554701784)

(now, the question is, is this enough for some evil ai data mining software to figure out who i am?)

the daily mash is bang on

BANKRUPT BRITAIN FORCED TO GIVE UP WEAPONS IT NEVER NEEDED

Quite an explicitly political article this, and short on jokes (due to excess anger i guess).  here’s my favourite bit:

“But defence analyst Julian Cook insisted: "Britain's desire to be a big player on the world stage has delivered huge benefits including being dragged into a series of catastrophic wars with America's throbbing tumescence lodged firmly at the back of our throat, while at the same time being unable to afford decent roads, railways, schools and hospitals. It's what we call a 'win-win'.”

here’s a stick-figure guide to AES encryption. hands up anyone that read the whole thing?

brain machine kit – don’t leave home without it!

and one submission from Dave: dungeons for hire. something to do with d&d board games I think, correct me if i’m wrong?

Rule34(B) continued

EPIC-METAL-BARBERSHOP

 

believe.

 

[update 1] ok, so they use a drum kit… but check out their cover of metallica’s battery (or b’atari as they occasionally pronounce it). even more accomplished capella metal madness. outstanding.

 

[update 2] oh the giggles on this one just don’t end. check out their wikipedia page, where the band members are listed alongside their “instruments”":

• Dennis Schunke (Sly) – lead vocals
• Inga Scharf – higher lead vocals
• Stefan Schmidt – lower rakkatakka vocals, wahwah solo guitar vocals
• Ross Thompson – higher rakkatakka vocals
• Ingo Sterzinger (Ike) – lowest dandan vocals
• Bastian Emig – drums

Who’s up for (finally) starting the world’s first barbershop-gabber group then?  I’ll do the “lower dush-dush dzoing-dzoing vocals”…

Zombi-kleen

thanks to Mike!

rule 34(B)

“If you can hear it, there is barbershop of it.”

following on from last month’s rain-based example, here is a conclusive proof case:  barbershop Pink Floyd

unfortunately, the search for rule 34(C) – if you can hear it, there is a happy hardcore remix of it – has so far failed to find any example of country-happy-hardcore :( 

(cotton eye joe is not sufficiently authentic)

also: get ready for the US’s fully deniable laser weapons